Unbreakable Routines

These routines are possibly some of the worst to deal with. Due to a lack of spontaneity within myself, I find myself slave to many of them. On some days, even considering ignorance of these routines can destroy my days. In order to combat these I need to find other methods in which I can motivate myself into doing anything. In the case of today; it’s writing this.

To me these routines give me a sense of control that I lack in many other aspects of my life; though a furious downside is that they can also help to contribute to more difficult recoveries in other areas. I know it is hard to kick these routines, and I myself, fearing change, struggle immensely with it; but what it can take to start the changes is to look into yourself and ask ‘am I really in control?’ as not only have these routines dominated my life, but they have also closed my mind further to change. Unfortunately, simply finding the courage and motivation to ask questions can be immensely difficult, and as such, change is harder to start.

Though, to most routine may not be damaging, but to some it can be detrimental, and in some ways, life destroying. In some, it can go so far as to become a preventative in change in medications which could significantly alter standards of life; because these routines can develop and magnify a fear to change.

“Fear of change

is like standing under a hot shower

knowing the moment you’ll turn it off

you’ll be freezing cold” – Eric Tanghe

Finding Inspiration

Life has a way of throwing misery in your face in the most inappropriate of times. In times like these I break, but, it gives me a chance to look around and examine the world around me which likely went on ignored for a long time.

In these breaks I become more inspired and motivated by  the littlest things, and, although it may not be the appropriate motivation (*cough* assignments *cough*) but it gives the chance to feel as though I am doing something. In the numbness of my world, I would recommend taking a look at what’s going on around you. Don’t focus so heavily upon the things that everyone else may consider as the most important. Look at the little things; the feel of a fabric, the differences in each movement that is made. It doesn’t need to be big, just something that you can focus on. These small details can create massive impacts. Life is complex and too often in our lives do we skim the details of it. You may just find something that changes you wholly and gives you inspiration and desire that was missing for so long.

Stop.

Look around.

“A child who does not play is not a child, but the man who does not play has lost forever the child who lived in him” – Pablo Neruda

Growing up Little

I don’t want to grow up. That’s never changed; a constant in my life. Physically, I am tall; mentally, I am small.

There are things in life that have forced me, in a way, to grow up quickly. These may have prevented me from actually growing up; I don’t know. Yet, what I do know is that I still want to behave as a younger version of myself. Someone who didn’t know the worries that I face today, and as such, in my own time, I will often revert. Sometimes this is more often than others, but for me, it is always a game of balance and control, as one wrong move could alert everyone to this side of me, and I don’t think I am able to handle that.

To me, this change in my mental age offers me a chance to be free. To actually be able to do the things that I want to do and an opportunity to save myself from the stress I am likely swimming in.

For me, having this escape has kept me alive.

“A lot of people who start work at a very young age never grow up because they never got that opportunity to be a child, so they hold on to that and still do a lot of childish, silly things”-Janet Jackson

Starting again

I cannot keep to anything. I am a mess but I think, sometimes, that’s okay.

There are many things in my life that I keep from people because that would make me even weirder. That’s not abnormal at all. If someone was to be completely open to the point in which they are laid bare, are they not inviting hurt and abuse? I’ll admit, I hold a respect to those who are able to be completely honest, but, I think, in my life complete honesty is impossible.

Because, for one, who would want to be around me if they knew what it was that I really wanted in life?

My family wouldn’t, that’s for sure.

It is not even as if the things I desire are hurtful or abusive to others, but rather, they are just abnormal. My parents had a hard enough time accepting my sexuality (pan, by the way) so how can one expect anyone else to understand? I know that there are others like me out there, but I also know that even if I was to look for them, I wouldn’t fit in. Fitting in has never happened to me. At all.

But that’s how my life works, I guess.

This will be my way to express myself, Rai; as who I am.

“When we’re in that kind of childish space, we’re more genuine and feel more comfortable with our friends” – Evan Spiegel