Cornish Misery

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So these were a few of the pics taken whilst I was on holiday in Cornwall and I have to say, as nice as it was down there, it has brought about some of the most challenging thoughts that I have had in a while. Without the strict routine that I have become so used to,  I somewhat fell apart and have been struggling a lot since. More than once since then I have broken down and my thoughts surrounding eating have been far stronger.

In order to cope with these, I have found it extremely important and useful to engage in the activities that inspire me and make things easier. I may become more stressed at a later date but for me, it is most important to take a little bit of time for myself to prevent a breakdown or worse.

Take time to enjoy the things you love. Those things that you need to do; they won’t always make you happy.

“Small things have a way of overmastering the great. This small press can destroy a kingdom” – Sonya Levien

Years

A little something I had written a few years ago…my mentality has improved quite a bit since then, probably. I dunno, but this may be triggering??

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She’d spent much of her life watching others; their happiness, anger, agony, joy. All of it. In her years, she had supported many; though she had failed to care for herself. Her body lay in disrepair; hair and nails, brittle from malnourishment, deep bruise-like marks shadowed her eyes from sleepless nights, and a ocean of self-loathing buried within herself.

She was at the edge; she just needed to know one thing. She approached slowly, eyes wide, almost innocent. There was no turning back. Her weak legs halted, barely supporting her small weight.

She looked into the eyes of her beholder, their eyes so full of life, the opposite of her’s. Swallowing, she tried to rid herself of the lump in her throat, to no avail. She asked the question, plunging into the dark abyss, hoping, praying, that she would be saved.

Rejection fell from their lips. She was drowning, lost and unable to breathe.

She was gone.

She knew now, what she had to do. She was sure of it. There was nothing tying her; nothing restraining her from her future.

With a solemn smile gracing her face, she turned and left.

Her corpse was found the next day; a mangled mess from the fall, bones ripping the delicate skin and flesh apart.

No one cried.

People were happier, and time carried on.

Trapping the Past

More and more and more, I find myself stuck in the past. Things I wished had not been, pushing me closer and closer to the edge of despair. Every ounce of this problem was my fault. I should never have done what I had done. I am not worthy of care. Mother blames her, but this, I cannot. I give my condolences to she who must bare the weight of fury pushed upon her. It was not her fault but mine. Words spilt. Actions taken. Bonds weakened, and I cannot recreate the past. I cannot be that better person you wished of me.  I will never be smart, or funny, or weird, as you called yourself. I wish I could have been. I wish I could have been there with you; but me, I’m not ever going to be good enough for you. You still wound me with your words, did you know? But I am deserving, and shall take what is given. I am sorry.

“Be slow to fall into friendship; but when thou art in, continue firm and constant” – Socrates

Trusting Thieves

People can be so cruel sometimes. They can turn their backs when you think they’re there for you, and this can leave damage beyond repair. Nothing can change what they have done, but it should not be that suffering should be so profuse on the individual that it can be life destroying.

It is not their fault. They didn’t know. But the pain is something that no one deserves to suffer through and the cause needs to be looked at and dealt with otherwise forward movement will never happen. Trust can be broken and smashed and destroyed; but not everyone will do that. There are those who will support through anything. Through the highs and lows, the horrors and joys; people are individuals, and should not be thrown together as one.

But the question is; how much can you give?

“Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be Confident. Be Proud.” – Shannon L. Alder

Faux Friends

Imagine this; a girl, barely fourteen and believing everything in her life is finally going alright. She has a good group of friends and is able to eat whatever she feels like without concern.

Imagine this; the girl finding out that someone she had called a close friend, a good friend, possibly even a best friend; hated her.

What happens next? She falls apart. A change in friends. The next don’t want her either, so she moves along again. The next time, they support her, sort of. Maybe she starts to feel a bit better, but she’s eating less; her self-esteem is beyond fried.

That girl though, the one that hates, she’s doing so well. The other, she retreats within herself.

It’s not her friend’s fault. She herself must have done something wrong to have caused this dislike to be put upon her. Was she too annoying? Not pretty enough? Or perhaps, she just wasn’t good enough? She doesn’t know. So instead she isolates herself.

She can’t keep friends.

The girl alone; she is me.

“There is nothing more on this Earth more to be prized than true friendship” – Thomas Aquinas

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Big Mind; Short Focus

Creativity is a blessing, if only it lasts. Struggles in keeping attention will almost always lead to my stumps in creativity. Unable to maintain my attention on projects for long periods of time, I quickly find myself drifting off into my thoughts. Because of this, I find myself doing many different tasks for short periods of time as a method of coping with my work load.

There are many things that this will often prevent me from accomplishing, one of the biggest annoyances is in my ideas for writing, in the way I will start upon something; however, if I do not keep to it and do it all in one sitting, regardless of anything that is written down, it will all leave my mind and be encompassed by some new idea.

My envies have always been given to those with the ability to start on something and complete it without fearing that the ideas will leave their mind should they leave it for a minute. In order to combat my short focus I will give myself goals as a method of motivation. Though these do not always work, they reduce my risk in abandoning something half complete.

This probably will often explain the shortness in my writing, as any longer and it would be completely scrapped by a new interest. With shortness in attention span, it is important to only do what you know you can do. Rather than what you think you can do. Give yourself as much of an opportunity to complete as you are able to, as distractions are often inevitable.

For me, I find that music will often help me concentrate as it prevents me from focusing too heavily upon events that are happening outside of the things I am doing.

Just because you cannot do the same as those around you, does not make you any less of an equal to them. We just take different views and look at the world from a different light and experience it in a different way. There will always be things that you can do that others cannot. Believe in yourself; even if the world tells you otherwise.

“You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars” – Gary Allan